Loneliness

This article on the BBC News website really caught my interest: 'Is modern life making us lonely?'

For a long time I've thought that contemporary trends can lead people down a very lonely path. It being the norm in this country to move away from home to go to university, then to move again to start building a career, people my age are so mobile that it can feel like you're shedding your friends annually. 

That has been my experience. While I am grateful for the opportunities that I have had in my education and in the beginning of my working life, when I first moved away from home, I really think I had no idea how transient my life would become. Having studied languages at university and therefore spending a year abroad in the middle of my degree, now almost 24 years old, the longest I have lived at one address in the last 6 years is 12 months. I have not stayed in the same town for more than a year since 2009. My grandmother tells me she has a whole page in her address book reserved for me as she keeps having to cross out my address and put in a new one. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this experience, as young people we go where there is a promise of opportunity, and don't realise the price we're paying.

For an introvert like myself, this really does have an immense impact on life. I would say that it takes me more than a year to really get to know someone, so, while I have met some wonderful people in the last few years who I have a lot of affection for, I feel like I have always had to say goodbye too soon, curtailing promising friendships. Now living in Newcastle, the friends I made at university are scattered around the country; at weekends I have to choose between staying and nurturing the shoots of friendship here, or upping sticks to visit someone dear.

It can be very hard to make friends in a new place. Efforts at community (clubs/societies etc.) can sometimes feel forced and even intimidating for someone new, especially for those of us who are shy by nature. It's no wonder that the article mentions feelings of anxiety being elicited by loneliness - there's such pressure to be outgoing, to be having a great time. And it's no wonder that we're in the midst of a love affair with social media, if your circle of friends is more of a diaspora, the little messages coming through during the day can begin to feel like water in the desert! Even if friends' updates can add to that pressure to be getting along fine.

Even those who return to their home town after university can find themselves back in square one when it comes to forming a social circle, as many find that close friends have moved away or relationships have been weakened by the time spent apart.

I don't wish to sound dissatisfied with my life, but I write this because I suspect that my experience of frequent upheavals is not uncommon, and this is the sort of thing which really adds to a feeling of loneliness. It feels like perhaps friends for life is a thing of the past, and that is a huge loss. 

I am very lucky to be getting married soon to my wonderful fiance, but even that entails a move, a change of job, and diving again into the uncertain, the unknown. Hopefully, marriage will bring more stability and support into my life, but not everyone has that fortune. 

I don't like small talk but...

Leaving the supermarket this evening, I was on the point of sending checkout people who are trained to chat to customers to Room 101.

Where I shop, there has clearly been some direction from above that their staff need to be open and friendly. So they appear to be trained in the art of light conversation. Anyone who knows me will probably guess that light conversation with a stranger is not something I relish. It's the main reason why my hair only gets cut about once a year (if it's lucky (or unlucky as you might see it)). So when the lovely smiley man at the till asked me what I got up to this weekend, an inner struggle ensued...

.

Of course the nice me was saying "He seems like a lovely man, he got on so well with the last lady, just tell him about your weekend and find out about his"

To which the cynic replied "Yes, and he asked that last lady the exact same question, he's just the face of a huge corporation trying to sell you cheap companionship! Tell him what you think!"

and of course the actual me was standing there desperately trying to think of some actual words to say.

So I did my best to shut down any small talk so that I could be on my way with the minimum of awkwardness. On the way out of the shop I tried to rationalize why I was so bothered by the fact that he tried to chat with me. 

"You're not an old fashioned greengrocer a la Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours. I'm never going to see you again, even if I come here every week, because this is a huge place with a huge staff, so why greet me like a friend?...You've been told to say these things, it's not genuine..."

but my inner arguments got weaker and weaker as I started to really think about it. Ok, I might not have enjoyed the way I was greeted today, but surely there are lots of people who really appreciate a moment in the day when they get to talk to someone new, or anyone at all. And yes, they're told to do it, but that doesn't negate the fact that he looked genuinely happy to be talking to me, and the lady before.

I remembered my own time working on the shop floor, and how nice it was when someone would actually interact with you, rather than seeing you as a part of the machinery. Really, I am guilty of that sometimes, I'd rather talk to those infuriating self check out check outs than a real person and all I want sometimes is to be out the door as quickly as possible. 

Clearly there's some room for improvement in my social interactions, and I should remember that it's not all about me, I may be the person handing over the money, but I'm not the only one who is a person. I want to be open and friendly too, perhaps at the start it will be forced or appear unnatural, but it's worth something.

So I plan to get over myself and if I encounter another situation like that, I will suck it up and be pleasant, even if I don't really want to.

Hope in the Darkness

I had a terrible nightmare last night.

Approaching the desk of some calm, cool operative, I said
"Apparently, I'm supposed to be executed today, but nobody told me." Inwardly I was desperate to hear that there had been some mistake.
"Yes," he said "that's right, you need to go upstairs to the desk there."
The dream-me left the desk and began to make my way to the other desk where my fate was sealed. I experienced, in that moment, utter hopelessness.

Waking up, I remembered that emotion, and found myself thinking - so that's what it's like to lose all hope. Somehow, through that horrible dream moment, I think I learned something about hope.

I have become pessimistic, I'm not sure when it happened, but I have felt like I can't muster a sense of optimism about some things and I was beginning to think that that equated to a lack of hope. Experiencing that moment of hopelessness, showed me that hope is something deeper, and convinced me that there is a kernel of it in my heart that can't be shaken.

What I feel is pessimism, momentary fear, but not despair.

1 Peter 3:15 says: Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

There is always hope in me, that my life is worth something, that this existence doesn't end with today and that death will not destroy my soul because God is creator, his creation is glorious even in the presence of sin and tragedy, he made me to know him, and even my sin and inobedience is forgiven in the person of Christ the son of God. I believe in the ultimate sacrifice, laid down for man while we were still sinners, and in the continuing work of Christ on earth in and through his Church.

I have a reason to hope, and I will have hope. Whether I could walk calmly to the executioner if the day came to be martyred, who knows, but my wish is that even then, hope would not leave me.

Lowliness

'blessed is she who believed that the promise made her by the Lord would be fulfilled' Luke 1:45

My next post was going to be about sparrows, more specifically the question 'am I really worth more than lots of sparrows?' And maybe I will still write that post, but today's readings for the feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary began to answer my question for me, and as always, it wasn't a straight forward yes or no!

What I started to ponder was the lowliness of Mary several aspects came to bear. She is a woman, she needs to be looked after by a man, tradition suggests she was very young at the time of her calling, and she doesn't have the power to make her own way in the world. As far as the world is concerned she is not particularly interesting or important. Now, that begins to ring true with me. With a stressful job hunt, and not much in the way of response from potential employers, the prospect of unemployment looming ever closer, and knowing that I will have to rely on others for my shelter and food, I feel lowly. 

Somehow though, Mary can embrace this state where perhaps, I haven't been able to. She has a strong and deep faith that assures her of the faithfulness of God to his children, especially the lowly. In her great song of praise she quotes from Job, saying that God has exalted the lowly. This tells us that her faith is rooted in the promise of scripture.

Mary, embraces her lowliness, and consents to sacrifice even more to her Lord. By becoming pregnant while still unmarried, she consents to both bodily and social vulnerability, this obedience founded on her belief in the immeasurable power of God. This is an honour, true, but also danger and deep responsibility, and her answer to the Lord gives all power over her fate to him. 

It is the marriage between the power of God, and the obedience of Mary which allows this lowly maiden to be lifted high. She rightly says that 'all generations will call me blessed.' We do, and we do especially today.

So perhaps I can learn from Mary about being lowly. My childhood prayer was to be like her, and now God is giving me that chance, to see what it is to be lowly, to depend on his strength and to obey his command.

As it says in the quote above, she has faith in the promise God has made to her. God makes promises, and sometimes, we just have to believe that it will come to pass.

On bended knee

I love to kneel in church. Often, before I get there or just after I have left I can feel a tingling in my knees. My body knows that it is approaching the Lord on bended knee.

But why should kneeling make prayer any different? Can't I communicate with my Father in any other bodily position? Surely it can't matter that much!

Well, I think that the body does matter in prayer, that kneeling communicates both humility and veneration, and that when we consciously choose one position over another, we pray better.

As Christians we know that a person is made of body and soul. We are not sacred souls trapped in defiled or evil bodies; but both body and soul intertwined are God's divine creation and therefore are called to be holy.

So God has a plan for each one of us as a complete person, body and soul. We are at our best when body and soul are of one accord and are directed towards God. God wants all of me. So that means that prayer is not just the soul addressing God, but the body too, we can understand that when we are praying out loud, or singing, we are using our lips to pour forth the intention of the soul; but we can do that in other ways too.

We see in the bible that the body is active in praise - David danced naked before the Lord (I'm not advocating that we do that - at least not in public), the Lord tells us in Isaiah that every knee shall bow to him,  in a dramatic and powerful way the Virgin Mary offers her body at the call of the Lord, and Jesus himself kneels to pray.

As incarnational and sacramental people, we believe that these actions of the body are not in vain, that God can channel grace through material things and earthly actions. This is why sacrifices were ordained to take away sin, and why God redeems his people in a material sense, leading them out of Egypt. What we believe in our minds and hearts is completely woven in to the lives that we lead every day, God touches our lives, so our lives and our actions can reach out to God. We have a concept of sanctity in and through stuff.

So when my soul prays, so should my body, when my lips are uttering reverent words, so does my knee bend.

But why kneel?

When we kneel we image humility. We make ourselves smaller - think for a minute how huge God is, and yet when we come before him we still need to make ourselves smaller. It is because we need this humility. Most of the time, I'll admit, I do forget that I'm not the centre of the universe, so I need that time, to make myself present before him who is. And to kneel is to surrender, you stop moving, you prevent yourself from advancing and you focus on something external.

It is veneration too. We find from the earliest times that people knelt in order to show their loyalty to a ruler or god, and to honour that being. In fact we see in Esther that when Mordecai would not bend his knee to Haman, the king's exulted official, it was so radical that an attempted genocide ensued. Kneeling before someone is a powerful symbol. It is choosing to be subject to that power and it is a matter of veneration. You acknowledge and put your trust in that power.

And for all of this, for the humility and surrender, the veneration, the deep communication with the Lord in body and spirit, we pray better. On my knees I can focus on the Lord alone, I can see his true identity as Priest and King and I can put my trust in him as Father. This is prayer.

So when I go to a church where the kneelers are more comfortable than the pews, it says something!