Monday 26 August 2013

Wild Rosie

This story does not belong to me, though they're my words. It's a story that my Grandad used to tell, and I wrote it down with a few of my own embellishments as a response to him - his life, his story. Sadly he died on the 6th of August, I think writing this has made me understand a little better what he gave me, and it starts with a sense of the mysterious.

He dictated an essay to my brother a few weeks before he died, this post is written in answer to that.





Wild Rosie

A car is pulled up at the side of a small road that winds around a West Country hill. The long grass of the verge sprinkles the tyres with water droplets from a recent shower. Two men are standing conversing by a gate which cuts in two the thick lush hedgerow. In the bushes the wildflowers grow truly wild, blooming impatiently and out of turn. One of the men is old and stately, talking to the middle distance, his voice hushed with gravity. The younger of the two, black hair just beginning to turn grey listens intently with both eyes and ears. When it is his turn to speak he is louder and more enthusiastic, encouraging. Three gangly children are in the back of the car, usually noisy and pre-occupied, they are now straining to see and hear the conversation. They have heard the story before.


Unaccounted years earlier, on this same spot (even though they are not sure of it) a man and a boy passed through the gate. The boy was barely six years old. His fair hair was almost white, he had a round gentle face, and he gazed intently at his father through palest blue eyes. His father, the sturdy man in a white shirt and black waistcoat holding the child’s chubby hand, was striding at a pace which caused the boy to trot to keep up as they travelled up the narrow grassy path between the hedgerows.

The child had not paid attention and didn’t know where they were going, but it felt like an adventure, climbing the hill out of the village, and taking the mysterious path away from the road, so he didn’t complain. Presently they were approaching a tumbledown cottage in a clearing - the kind that belongs in a fairy tale. Creeping shrubs climbed the walls, at one corner a spray of elderflowers leaned out from the house. It was a summer’s day, but smoke was rising from the chimney in swirls. A lady, stooped and trembling with age emerged from the front door, apparently to tend to her plants in the garden, but upon seeing the approaching visitors, she rose to her full height and extended a hand to wave.

They arrived and were shown in.

“Hello Child,” the old lady began, “your pa finally brought you ‘ere. I ’as been looking forward to meetin’ you.” Her voice was soft, but strong with authority. The child was silent with wonder. Father looked down at the boy, prompting him. The child searched his memory and discovered what his mother had told him to say,
“You have a lovely home.” He said quickly and, thinking about it, began to look around. There were dark chests of drawers lining the walls; a fireplace, where a kettle was warming. The room was lit by the pale sunlight drawn through the windows which casted shadows upon the cobwebbed corners. Despite the fire, on that summer day the one room cottage seemed cold. 

“Oh, it ain’t my ‘ouse.”

“Whose is it?” answered the boy, beginning to find his voice.

“It belongs to Rosie. Do you know who Rosie is?” She didn’t wait for him to shake his head - with a twinkle in the corner of her eye she continued “she’s your great, great,” as the little boy brought his grubby fingers up to his face to count, a secret and almost imperceptible grin spread across the wrinkled face, “great, great…great grandma.”

The Father caught her eye and turned away to tend the fire.

“Is she very, very old?” asked the child, now inquisitive.

“Oh, o’course, she’s very old. Even older’n me. She was born a very long time ago. I’ll tell you about ‘er. She’s a wise woman. She knows every plant and flower in the forest, and she knows which ones’ll do you good and which ones’ll do you ill.”

“How does she know?” asked the child.

“She’s tried ‘em all.  She’s made ‘em into medicines and poultices and draughts and the like, and tried ‘em all on ‘erself.”

“Why didn’t they make her ill?

“Because she knows when to spit. If it smells evil, or tastes evil or looks evil, then it probably is. Mind you it migh’ not be. A little migh’ do you good if you’re ill. She knows. And she wrote it all down in a fashion, e’en though she can’t write. She’s got lots of drawers an’ a system, an’ if you know the system and you ‘eard all ‘er stories then you know what will cure and what won’t. An’ that I do and that I did and that I know.”

“Is she magic?”

“No she ain’t magic, and don’t you go lettin’ ‘er hear you sayin’ that, she’d be mightily insulted.”

“Well how has she lived so long?”

“I’ll tell you that. She never did no magic. She’s making a point. When she were young, a long time ago, there was those who thought that women like ‘er - wise women o’ the forest - was magic just as you say, and that they consorted wi’ demons in the night, and that they cast spells an’ made potions. And they hunted them, an’ a lot of women was killed. You see now ‘ere she is livin’ an’ she’s makin’ ‘er point.”

The boy was bewildered, too much so to answer the old lady. He continued to stare up at her, as she stared down at him, with her back hunched over in a perfect curve. Her once white apron covered a faded blue cotton dress, and her large feet protruded rudely beneath. She was a singular character and had ignited the boy’s curiosity.

“Well, boy.”

“What?”

“Don’t you think it’s about time you met ‘er? You came to see ‘er didn’t you?” He consented with an unblinking gaze.

“She’s upstairs, careful on the ladder, I’ll follow right behind you.”

The boy emerged into a loft space, stark and dusty and sprinkled with flecks of light coming through the spaces in between the tiles. There was a figure a few paces away, near a small window in the gable end. He turned back to the old lady following,

“Should I call her great, great…” She almost chuckled as the chubby fingers emerged again from behind his back.

“Rosie’ll do just fine. She likes a child quite enough for ‘is own sakes, doesn’t care much ‘ow you’re related. She’s old enough and ‘ad enough children an’ grandchildren not to worry ‘bout that any more. Call ‘er Rosie, sure she would’ha had another name when she were born, near enough to your own I’d ‘azard a guess, since we’re all family together. But she made a name for ‘erself round ‘ere and that name were Wild Rosie. There’s people come from the village whenever they get ill, an’ they know I got all the medicines and poultices and draughts, but they won’t get well will they? No, they won’t get well ‘til they seen Wild Rosie.

“You know why that is boy?”

The wide eyed boy shook his head in the gloom.

“It’s because they think ‘emselves better. Many of ‘em thought ‘emselves ill. One day they didn’t want to work so’s they found a little niggle and let it grow to a big one all until they find out it’s better to be well, so now they want to get better again. The medicines and poultices help some, but it’s thoughts that help the most. Go on. Go over there, she can’t see you ‘ere.”

The child walked with measured footsteps towards the thin figure. She sat in a squeaking rocking chair. Bony knees dented the flow of her tired nightgown, delicate with wear. Her wispy hair, matted in places formed an ethereal veil around her face, translucent in the dim light from the dusty window. Deep wrinkles contoured every feature of bony face. Her countenance was grey and sharp, but she had kind eyes; the gleam of life shone out of them. 

The little boy approached her and stood boldly, his stomach protruding and little fists by his sides, like only a six year old can, by her chair,

“Hello Rosie” he said.

Her pale blue eyes rested on the shining round face as if noticing him for the first time. Her gaze softened and she slowly nodded. A slight smile disturbed the papery wrinkles around her mouth, communicating the familial affection of someone very old for someone very small. She continued rocking slowly in her chair, and in her bony fingers, two knitting needles moved in slow motion. She was knitting, there was no yarn.

“What are you knitting?” The bold little boy asked her.

The very old lady replied with a slow, knowing blink from her tired reddened eyelids.

“What is she knitting?” he asked turning to the other lady.

“Dreams, son. Imaginin’s.”

“Whose dreams?”

“Who knows boy, maybe yours an’ mine.”

He watched her for a while, and she watched him. The other old lady’s footsteps approached behind him, and lifted him up to kiss the delicate ivory cheek. He was afraid he’d hurt her. The skin was dry and he thought he felt a cold bone beneath. She seemed to blush a little, and her smile broadened.

He descended the rickety ladder again asking,
“How does she get up and down here?”

“She don’t, not on ‘er own. Most o’ the time she likes to stay up there. Then when she’s needed down in the village, someone comes up an’ we lower ‘er down in a chair. Then the strappin’ lads carry ‘er down to the village. She don’t go much anymore. Only for the dyin’. She’ll always be there if it’s for the dyin’ particurly if it’s one o’ the old ones. She’s known ‘em all from birth, remembers ‘em from when they was babies bein’ born. I tole you some won’t get well ‘til they seen Wild Rosie, I tell you now, there’s some as won’t die ‘til they seen ‘er neither.”

“What does she do when they die?”

“She sits with ‘em, stays with ‘em. They used to say she said spells over them, or she enchanted them to sleep but that ain’t it. She keeps ‘em company and she praps prays for ‘em as they go, an’ it helps ‘em die properly.”

“When will she die?”

“What do you mean by that boy?”

“She’s so old.”

“Hundreds of years old, quite righ’.”

“Will she live forever?”

“I tole you boy she migh’ be a wise woman, but she ain’t magic. Sure she’ll die one day. When they don’t need her no more.”

The boy’s father had brewed some nettle tea over the fire, so they sat with him, the boy sinking into a woollen cushion, dull with repeated use and ash from the open fire. Father told the old lady all the news from the village. He gave her the basket of bread and meat he’d brought, which she promptly stashed away a creaky cupboard.

When the visit was over, and they left the house, the little boy waited until they were a short distance away and whispered to his father.

“She’s magic isn’t she?”

“Why do you think that?” he replied,

“She’s hundreds of years old and she’s still alive, and she can make medicines to make people well, and she’s tried all the plants that make you ill but she never got ill, and people come to see her and they get better, and she knits my dreams.”

“She knits your dreams?” His father repeated, ever so slightly surprised.

“Yes, she knits with invisible wool to make dreams.”

“She must be magic then” his father said, turning his eyes again to the path, and they descended to the village.



The old man and the younger man get back in the car. It’s too wet, and too late to try walking the path, the old man says. The children’s imaginations stir. Is he scared that she won’t be there, that the story was just too fanciful, or the village no longer needed her and she died? Or is he scared that she will be there, still rocking in the dim light of a rainy day, and the story will continue?

Monday 8 April 2013

Loneliness

This article on the BBC News website really caught my interest: 'Is modern life making us lonely?'

For a long time I've thought that contemporary trends can lead people down a very lonely path. It being the norm in this country to move away from home to go to university, then to move again to start building a career, people my age are so mobile that it can feel like you're shedding your friends annually. 

That has been my experience. While I am grateful for the opportunities that I have had in my education and in the beginning of my working life, when I first moved away from home, I really think I had no idea how transient my life would become. Having studied languages at university and therefore spending a year abroad in the middle of my degree, now almost 24 years old, the longest I have lived at one address in the last 6 years is 12 months. I have not stayed in the same town for more than a year since 2009. My grandmother tells me she has a whole page in her address book reserved for me as she keeps having to cross out my address and put in a new one. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this experience, as young people we go where there is a promise of opportunity, and don't realise the price we're paying.

For an introvert like myself, this really does have an immense impact on life. I would say that it takes me more than a year to really get to know someone, so, while I have met some wonderful people in the last few years who I have a lot of affection for, I feel like I have always had to say goodbye too soon, curtailing promising friendships. Now living in Newcastle, the friends I made at university are scattered around the country; at weekends I have to choose between staying and nurturing the shoots of friendship here, or upping sticks to visit someone dear.

It can be very hard to make friends in a new place. Efforts at community (clubs/societies etc.) can sometimes feel forced and even intimidating for someone new, especially for those of us who are shy by nature. It's no wonder that the article mentions feelings of anxiety being elicited by loneliness - there's such pressure to be outgoing, to be having a great time. And it's no wonder that we're in the midst of a love affair with social media, if your circle of friends is more of a diaspora, the little messages coming through during the day can begin to feel like water in the desert! Even if friends' updates can add to that pressure to be getting along fine.

Even those who return to their home town after university can find themselves back in square one when it comes to forming a social circle, as many find that close friends have moved away or relationships have been weakened by the time spent apart.

I don't wish to sound dissatisfied with my life, but I write this because I suspect that my experience of frequent upheavals is not uncommon, and this is the sort of thing which really adds to a feeling of loneliness. It feels like perhaps friends for life is a thing of the past, and that is a huge loss. 

I am very lucky to be getting married soon to my wonderful fiance, but even that entails a move, a change of job, and diving again into the uncertain, the unknown. Hopefully, marriage will bring more stability and support into my life, but not everyone has that fortune. 


Monday 25 February 2013

I don't like small talk but...


Leaving the supermarket this evening, I was on the point of sending checkout people who are trained to chat to customers to Room 101.

Where I shop, there has clearly been some direction from above that their staff need to be open and friendly. So they appear to be trained in the art of light conversation. Anyone who knows me will probably guess that light conversation with a stranger is not something I relish. It's the main reason why my hair only gets cut about once a year (if it's lucky (or unlucky as you might see it)). So when the lovely smiley man at the till asked me what I got up to this weekend, an inner struggle ensued...
.
Of course the nice me was saying "He seems like a lovely man, he got on so well with the last lady, just tell him about your weekend and find out about his"

To which the cynic replied "Yes, and he asked that last lady the exact same question, he's just the face of a huge corporation trying to sell you cheap companionship! Tell him what you think!"

and of course the actual me was standing there desperately trying to think of some actual words to say.

So I did my best to shut down any small talk so that I could be on my way with the minimum of awkwardness. On the way out of the shop I tried to rationalize why I was so bothered by the fact that he tried to chat with me. 

"You're not an old fashioned greengrocer a la Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours. I'm never going to see you again, even if I come here every week, because this is a huge place with a huge staff, so why greet me like a friend?...You've been told to say these things, it's not genuine..."

but my inner arguments got weaker and weaker as I started to really think about it. Ok, I might not have enjoyed the way I was greeted today, but surely there are lots of people who really appreciate a moment in the day when they get to talk to someone new, or anyone at all. And yes, they're told to do it, but that doesn't negate the fact that he looked genuinely happy to be talking to me, and the lady before.

I remembered my own time working on the shop floor, and how nice it was when someone would actually interact with you, rather than seeing you as a part of the machinery. Really, I am guilty of that sometimes, I'd rather talk to those infuriating self check out check outs than a real person and all I want sometimes is to be out the door as quickly as possible. 

Clearly there's some room for improvement in my social interactions, and I should remember that it's not all about me, I may be the person handing over the money, but I'm not the only one who is a person. I want to be open and friendly too, perhaps at the start it will be forced or appear unnatural, but it's worth something.

So I plan to get over myself and if I encounter another situation like that, I will suck it up and be pleasant, even if I don't really want to.

Tuesday 29 January 2013

Hope in the Darkness

I had a terrible nightmare last night.

Approaching the desk of some calm, cool operative, I said
"Apparently, I'm supposed to be executed today, but nobody told me." Inwardly I was desperate to hear that there had been some mistake.
"Yes," he said "that's right, you need to go upstairs to the desk there."
The dream-me left the desk and began to make my way to the other desk where my fate was sealed. I experienced, in that moment, utter hopelessness.

Waking up, I remembered that emotion, and found myself thinking - so that's what it's like to lose all hope. Somehow, through that horrible dream moment, I think I learned something about hope.

I have become pessimistic, I'm not sure when it happened, but I have felt like I can't muster a sense of optimism about some things and I was beginning to think that that equated to a lack of hope. Experiencing that moment of hopelessness, showed me that hope is something deeper, and convinced me that there is a kernel of it in my heart that can't be shaken.

What I feel is pessimism, momentary fear, but not despair.

1 Peter 3:15 says: Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

There is always hope in me, that my life is worth something, that this existence doesn't end with today and that death will not destroy my soul because God is creator, his creation is glorious even in the presence of sin and tragedy, he made me to know him, and even my sin and inobedience is forgiven in the person of Christ the son of God. I believe in the ultimate sacrifice, laid down for man while we were still sinners, and in the continuing work of Christ on earth in and through his Church.

I have a reason to hope, and I will have hope. Whether I could walk calmly to the executioner if the day came to be martyred, who knows, but my wish is that even then, hope would not leave me.

Lowliness

'blessed is she who believed that the promise made her by the Lord would be fulfilled' Luke 1:45

My next post was going to be about sparrows, more specifically the question 'am I really worth more than lots of sparrows?' And maybe I will still write that post, but today's readings for the feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary began to answer my question for me, and as always, it wasn't a straight forward yes or no!

What I started to ponder was the lowliness of Mary several aspects came to bear. She is a woman, she needs to be looked after by a man, tradition suggests she was very young at the time of her calling, and she doesn't have the power to make her own way in the world. As far as the world is concerned she is not particularly interesting or important. Now, that begins to ring true with me. With a stressful job hunt, and not much in the way of response from potential employers, the prospect of unemployment looming ever closer, and knowing that I will have to rely on others for my shelter and food, I feel lowly. 

Somehow though, Mary can embrace this state where perhaps, I haven't been able to. She has a strong and deep faith that assures her of the faithfulness of God to his children, especially the lowly. In her great song of praise she quotes from Job, saying that God has exalted the lowly. This tells us that her faith is rooted in the promise of scripture.

Mary, embraces her lowliness, and consents to sacrifice even more to her Lord. By becoming pregnant while still unmarried, she consents to both bodily and social vulnerability, this obedience founded on her belief in the immeasurable power of God. This is an honour, true, but also danger and deep responsibility, and her answer to the Lord gives all power over her fate to him. 

It is the marriage between the power of God, and the obedience of Mary which allows this lowly maiden to be lifted high. She rightly says that 'all generations will call me blessed.' We do, and we do especially today.

So perhaps I can learn from Mary about being lowly. My childhood prayer was to be like her, and now God is giving me that chance, to see what it is to be lowly, to depend on his strength and to obey his command.

As it says in the quote above, she has faith in the promise God has made to her. God makes promises, and sometimes, we just have to believe that it will come to pass.

On bended knee

I love to kneel in church. Often, before I get there or just after I have left I can feel a tingling in my knees. My body knows that it is approaching the Lord on bended knee.

But why should kneeling make prayer any different? Can't I communicate with my Father in any other bodily position? Surely it can't matter that much!

Well, I think that the body does matter in prayer, that kneeling communicates both humility and veneration, and that when we consciously choose one position over another, we pray better.

As Christians we know that a person is made of body and soul. We are not sacred souls trapped in defiled or evil bodies; but both body and soul intertwined are God's divine creation and therefore are called to be holy.

So God has a plan for each one of us as a complete person, body and soul. We are at our best when body and soul are of one accord and are directed towards God. God wants all of me. So that means that prayer is not just the soul addressing God, but the body too, we can understand that when we are praying out loud, or singing, we are using our lips to pour forth the intention of the soul; but we can do that in other ways too.

We see in the bible that the body is active in praise - David danced naked before the Lord (I'm not advocating that we do that - at least not in public), the Lord tells us in Isaiah that every knee shall bow to him,  in a dramatic and powerful way the Virgin Mary offers her body at the call of the Lord, and Jesus himself kneels to pray.

As incarnational and sacramental people, we believe that these actions of the body are not in vain, that God can channel grace through material things and earthly actions. This is why sacrifices were ordained to take away sin, and why God redeems his people in a material sense, leading them out of Egypt. What we believe in our minds and hearts is completely woven in to the lives that we lead every day, God touches our lives, so our lives and our actions can reach out to God. We have a concept of sanctity in and through stuff.

So when my soul prays, so should my body, when my lips are uttering reverent words, so does my knee bend.

But why kneel?

When we kneel we image humility. We make ourselves smaller - think for a minute how huge God is, and yet when we come before him we still need to make ourselves smaller. It is because we need this humility. Most of the time, I'll admit, I do forget that I'm not the centre of the universe, so I need that time, to make myself present before him who is. And to kneel is to surrender, you stop moving, you prevent yourself from advancing and you focus on something external.

It is veneration too. We find from the earliest times that people knelt in order to show their loyalty to a ruler or god, and to honour that being. In fact we see in Esther that when Mordecai would not bend his knee to Haman, the king's exulted official, it was so radical that an attempted genocide ensued. Kneeling before someone is a powerful symbol. It is choosing to be subject to that power and it is a matter of veneration. You acknowledge and put your trust in that power.

And for all of this, for the humility and surrender, the veneration, the deep communication with the Lord in body and spirit, we pray better. On my knees I can focus on the Lord alone, I can see his true identity as Priest and King and I can put my trust in him as Father. This is prayer.

So when I go to a church where the kneelers are more comfortable than the pews, it says something!

Monday 14 January 2013

Les Miserables - you should go see it!

I realised the other day that I have been waiting for the release of the film version of Les Miserables for over ten years. Since I was given the 10th Anniversary concert on DVD for Christmas when I was about 10 or 11. I remember wondering when they were going to make a proper film and asking my parents that question.

So you can imagine my excitement on Saturday evening when finally I was on my way to the cinema to see Les Miserables. To put it into context - it is a rare occasion that I would ever go to the cinema. I have never known the release date of a film before it is out (or, probably, after) and to see a film within the first 48 hours of it's release is nigh on a miracle for me. But for Les Miserables no amount of fuss is too much.

I'll tell you now, I loved it!

My boyfriend Andy, who hadn't seen Les Mis before said he hadn't expected it to be such a dark film. I get what he means, there's not much light relief - and what there is (I'm talking about the Thernadiers) retains a grimness which still makes you grit your teeth. But for me the story, and the film, is about light. It is a story of redemption - and I can't think of anything better than that.

The film was so good for me because it is so faithful to the book, it has understood the original intention. It is not a carbon copy of the stage musical, it is deeper and darker and more detailed than could ever be done on the stage and every bit of that detail is from the book. And it has turned out really well, it is touching, you experience the emotions of each of the characters with amazing clarity when they are portrayed in such close up as the film can afford. You understand much more deeply that each of the lives in this story is a complete person, the totality of human experience is there.

The real winner in this film is not any of the actors or the score or the location, but it is as it should be, the story wins. And as I said before it is a worthy story, one of redemption. 

The essence of the story is of individuals cut adrift, people suffering, who are redeemed by grace, sacrifice, human kindness and faith. It is a story of sinners who are saints. In each of the characters is the fullness of the human experience, not only joy but suffering, not only virtue but sin, not only reason but folly. The main character Jean Valjean is a convict made bitter and corrupted by years of unjust imprisonment and hard labour, it is his redemption at the hands of a kind Bishop, Monseigneur Bienvenue that brings light into this dark tale. 

When Valjean attempts to steal silver from the kind Bishop who has taken him in, when no one else would give him even the corner of a cowshed, and is caught by the gendarmerie, the Bishop gives him that which he tried to steal and more. He hands over his prized candlesticks (if you read the book, you know that the silver is the last luxury he affords himself, everything else is given to the poor) telling Valjean "I have bought your soul for God". This is redemption, the price upon Valjean's head is paid, he is bought out of the slavery of sin, and now he has a new master, one who is benevolent, one whose burden is light.

We see also the suffering mother who would lay down her life for her child, the man who would risk his livelihood for a debt of gratitude, the woman in love who sacrifices her own feelings to lead the object of her love to his intended and the child who would give his life for the cause of justice and for his brothers.

This film has a lot to live up to, and on the whole it does, the theme of redemption was never so clear in this story than when I saw it on the big screen - and this is from a slight obsessive - because the detail is so perfect, and the telling of the story is so faithful, the themes have been retained perfectly where other sacrifices have been made. And while some of Victor Hugo's views and beliefs, I know, were not what I believe, his story sheds light on the reality of what it is to be a christian, to be a redeemed soul, giving your life as a sacrifice for others. It's a challenge and an inspiration.

If I'm allowed one objection it is the casting of Javert. And I hope I am - being that Javert is the character that fascinates me most (and he has some of my favourite songs). He should be tall, dark, greasy and sharp, with an edge to his voice. Poor Russell Crowe, though he did the character and his inner turmoil as much justice as he could in the way he played the role just looks and sounds a little too much like a teddy bear. This is what Javert should be like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urxk4mveLCw . 

Javert is so fascinating because he strives all of his life for justice and yet his actions produce what seems to be the opposite of that, he is in error because he is over-scrupulous, can he ever be forgiven when he has wreaked so much ill, and refused to reconcile with his neighbor even when his life is given to him? And yet, all of this springs from an innocent and fervent desire to see the law upheld and justice done - it's a trap I could certainly fall into.

Reading at least the first half of the book recently (it's really long!) showed me not only how amazing the story itself is in it's complexity and in its portrayal of what it is to be a human and a christian but also how incredibly well it has been adapted into a musical and into a film. The music is perfect, the style is perfect, it makes so much sense.

Go watch the film, and take a box of tissues, and a friend to hold your hand!

Image from lesmiserables-movie.co.uk