I had a terrible nightmare last night.
Approaching the desk of some calm, cool operative, I said
"Apparently, I'm supposed to be executed today, but nobody told me." Inwardly I was desperate to hear that there had been some mistake.
"Yes," he said "that's right, you need to go upstairs to the desk there."
The dream-me left the desk and began to make my way to the other desk where my fate was sealed. I experienced, in that moment, utter hopelessness.
Waking up, I remembered that emotion, and found myself thinking - so that's what it's like to lose all hope. Somehow, through that horrible dream moment, I think I learned something about hope.
I have become pessimistic, I'm not sure when it happened, but I have felt like I can't muster a sense of optimism about some things and I was beginning to think that that equated to a lack of hope. Experiencing that moment of hopelessness, showed me that hope is something deeper, and convinced me that there is a kernel of it in my heart that can't be shaken.
What I feel is pessimism, momentary fear, but not despair.
1 Peter 3:15 says: Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,
There is always hope in me, that my life is worth something, that this existence doesn't end with today and that death will not destroy my soul because God is creator, his creation is glorious even in the presence of sin and tragedy, he made me to know him, and even my sin and inobedience is forgiven in the person of Christ the son of God. I believe in the ultimate sacrifice, laid down for man while we were still sinners, and in the continuing work of Christ on earth in and through his Church.
I have a reason to hope, and I will have hope. Whether I could walk calmly to the executioner if the day came to be martyred, who knows, but my wish is that even then, hope would not leave me.
